The big reveal

yes, finally it is time for the big before and after shots. These are the ones taken by my plastic surgeon. 
But before that let me just say how glad I am to have the PICC line out and how much more respect I have for people with ports/shunts. I know how hard to was for me emotionally and can't even imagine how someone with a life threatening illness would feel.

This thing went up my arm and emptied in to my heart

I knew I didn't want to have nipple reconstruction. For right now I've also opted to skip the nipple tattoos.  I did however get some great samples from Rub On Nipples that I am looking forward to trying. They were given to me because I have an adhesive allergy and they wanted to show me I wouldn't have a problem with these.

My right side is still a bit larger than my left but the swelling will go down over the next few months. It's not such a big difference that I couldn't live with it. My results have been really great. I am so thankful for Dr Cooper she has really done an amazing job.

Finally, my before and after picture after the jump.

Antibiotics and PICC Lines and Drains - OH MY!

I'm glad to say that my stitches have come out. I'll still have my drain and PICC line for another week though.

This is the lovely PICC line in my left arm

This week hasn't been without its own challenges. I ended up with an allergic reaction to my IV antibiotics. While it was nothing life threatening it certainly was upsetting. I ended up with a very nasty skin reaction on my inner/upper thigh area and on my outer vaginal lips.
My IV antibiotics have been switched and the cortisone cream/salve regimen I'm using is helping my skin heal.

My daily regimen

I've got another week on the antibiotics. It really sucks that I can't lift much while the PICC line is in.

So here it is, how everything looks now.
Picture after the jump.

Sometimes it all just goes wrong.

This past week has been hellish.
On Friday my Surgeon marked a red mark on my left breast. Saturday I spiked a fever and ended up in the hospital on IV antibiotics.
Sunday I had emergency surgery to remove the implant. Apparently not all of my Alloderm had taken during my exchange surgery.  Luckily the on call surgeon was able to remove all the offending tissue and place a new implant (I was terrified of waking up with 1 boob).

Did I mention this was Mother's Day this was all happening on? 
Yeah, it sucked. I was in the hospital until Wednesday. I went home with a Picc line placed in my left arm, stitches and a drain on my right.

Now I'm home and dosing myself twice daily with IV antibiotics.  My left breast is swollen and I am admittedly pretty depressed about the entire thing. Everything looked so great after my exchange and now I've got all sorts of things running in and out of my body.

My mom did come in Tuesday to help out because I can't lift much with the Picc line in. Plus my right side is super sore.

I do remind myself it could be worse, it isn't cancer. But complications like this still suck and they can be demoralizing.
Ben will help me get a picture over the weekend of my current state. I'm just too exhausted now.

4 days post exchange. The bruises are showing.

3 days after my last post and I'm even more bruised. This explains why I'm even more sore.
I know this is normal so I'm not worried about it. But I also know that some other people might get freaked out by bruises getting worse after surgery.

Picture after the jump

1 Day Post Exchange

I want to bust out my best Billy Crystal impersonation and say "they look mah-velous".
I'm sore, bruised and tired but my breasts look great.  I'm lucky that I had a wonderful surgeon. It's exciting to finally have my permanent implants in place.

Can't wait to rock some cute strapless tops this summer. I ended up with 1300cc saline implants.
Picture after the jump.

Going under the knife again

This Friday is my exchange surgery. I'm excited and nervous. 
My expanders will be taken out and swapped for my permanent implants. I'll also be having the "dog ears" liposucked out.
I can't wait to be rid of these rocks in my chest.

10 weeks and a surprising surge in energy.

My last fill was a month ago. I'm pretty happy with the size they currently are and don't plan to have any more fills.
For the past couple of weeks I've been doing yoga. Besides having really helped my flexibility I find in general I have more energy.
I spent so many years being in pain. My sciatica was pretty awful and exercising was difficult with my large chest and back pain. Since the surgery I haven't had lower back pain.
It really is amazing how not being in pain can change everything. I'm more active with more energy and I just generally feel better.
That being said I do miss sleeping in my own bed. I'd love to get a solid night if sleep but that is probably still a while off.
Pictures and more after the jump.

8 weeks post op and feeling a little alien

This past Friday was 8 weeks from my surgery. I've been facing one of my bigger issues which I think is causing some of my post surgical depression. My body feels alien to me. Expanders aren't soft, in fact it feels like having rocks in my chest. While I've gained a large range of motion (thank you yoga) I still can't shave my own armpits (thank you Ben for being so patient and doing that for me). I can't cross my arms...a position that used to be comfortable to me. Hugging has also become an art form of not slamming the other person in the body with my rocks.
It's frustrating and I remind myself in a very Machiavellian way that it is the end result that is the most important. And while having awesome boobs is a great end result, I mean the one where I have a much lower risk of breast cancer.

My last fill was 2 weeks ago and that put me at 1200ccs.  I decided to stop and give myself a month to let everything settle. I surprised myself by starting to think that I may be ok with a smaller breast size than I originally thought.

More info and pictures after the jump.

6 weeks and counting

It's been 6 weeks since my surgery. I've gone from 700ccs to 1200ccs in this time period.
There have been lots of emotional ups and downs. I am seeing who is really here for me. I'm very lucky to have so many people who have been an amazing support to me.

This weekend I made a big decision.
Story and pictures after the jump.

A few complications

I'm 5 weeks post op today. Last week my fill I ended up with a pinched nerve.
This week proved to be a little bit more complicated than that.
As you can see in my pictures I have an indentation on the side of my left breast. Apparently the suction from the drain caused an adhesion to form.
Since my scars healed well and I'm going through fills with no infection it would be silly to open me up to cut the adhesion. The occasion well either resolve itself because I massage it multiple times daily. Or when I have my exchange surgery later this year they will cut it.
However this causes a bigger problem for me. I am now filled to 1100 cc's. The expander now pushes on the adhesion on one side and on the nerve on the other. This causes me horrible pain every time I have a felt. Sadly it gets more painful with each fill because there's more pressure.
I have 4 more fills to go. I am hoping the adhesion resolves itself. I do understand that that would mean a great deal of pain as my flesh tears inside.
While adhesions are common after surgery my particular situation is not. I don't want this to freak anyone out. Normally fills would not be nearly this painful.While it would be an understatement to say this sucks I still don't regret my decision to have this surgery.
I've always had a very high pain tolerance. So Ben was pretty freaked out to hear me whimpering while I took a shower this afternoon. It isn't easy to be this uncomfortable and have it happen again each week. But I'm hanging in there. Four more fills to go and three months to let everything settle.
It still beats having cancer. I'm also lucky to have a great plastic surgeon who will actually explain to me why it would be a bad idea to have a surgery to remove the adhesion. Instead of just dismissing my worries.
This at least explains why my fills have been so much more debilitating for me than they should be. I will continue to work to soften the adhesion and do what I can to help my body heal. 

1 Month Later

Here I am. 1 month after my Prophylactic Bilateral Mastectomy. I admit that some days it still feels so surreal.  Healing is a hell of a journey but I have no regrets about my choice.

While I always knew I wanted to document my journey I never thought it would include pictures. Before my mastectomy I sat down with my mom and showed her pictures at different stages. She told me how thankful she was that she saw the different stages. Had she not see the after surgery images she would have walked out of my hospital room and had a melt down.

So I felt that sharing my pictures might help others going through their own journey.

My pictures and more information after the jump.

Just an update that I got through surgery alright and I'm currently recovering.
I will be posting more once it is easier for me to use a laptop.

2 weeks to go

To say I'm nervous is an understatement. I've been a little OCD about everything.
I've decided that next year I want to go Steampunk.
I've also been making things:

A cape to wear after my surgery so it's easy to get on and off

 

Tablet cases, cause I can never have enough

Jewelry, because who doesn't need another hobby:

And bags, always bags:

Coming to terms with my femininity

I've never considered myself a girly girl.  I like pretty things and fashion as much as the next girl but I've always identified a bit more as a tomboy. Possibly because my lack of fear in some situations or because I don't mind getting my hands dirty.
With my Bi-lateral Mastectomy coming up in just over a month I've found myself suddenly much more interested in make-up and jewelry. I've even taken to wearing hats which I rarely do, not because I don't look good in them (I can rock hats) but more because I never took the time.  I couldn't figure out why I suddenly had to be wearing lipstick every day, wearing jewelry, changing bracelets when before I was fine being minimal.
It hit me earlier this month when I cut my hair. I love the way it looks with side swept bangs but it was shorter than it has been in a while and I had a moment of terror. "Will I look like a boy when I don't have my breasts?"  That was it, that was why I was suddenly so interested in all these other aspects of my femininity. I always like to be put together but it seems to have become more of an obsession lately.  
Then I realized...the smallest I ever remember my breast being was a C cup, puberty hit me hard, I'm an I cup now. I have ALWAYS identified my femininity with my breasts. My breasts will keep me from looking boyish.  My breasts fill out this shirt/dress. My breasts were what I felt "defined" me without a doubt as a woman.  No matter how grungy I looked there wouldn't be a doubt about my gender because I had my breasts.
And now I am cutting them from my body. They have become (in a sense) the enemy.
As a side note I realize how lucky I am that I get to make this choice instead of being told I have cancer and having the choice made for me. 
My brain is trying to protect me, trying to teach me that my femininity is NOT defined by my breasts.  I can do other things to make myself feel feminine.  It's difficult and I'm scared about how next year is going to pan out and how I'm going to feel about my changing body.  I am learning how to feel feminine while disregarding my breasts. I hope coming to terms with this now will be helpful in my recovery.



I am getting reconstruction.  Please understand that this blog entry is how I feel about my body and situation and may not be how everyone feels.

Further than I've gone before

My preventative bilateral mastectomy now has an official date. January 11, 2013. Less than 2 months away...
I honestly thought I'd feel better once I had a surgery date set. The last 2 times I tried to plan things happened and we never got this far (Ben getting laid off both times).  I have a date set, I know this is going to happen, but I don't feel any better. No sense of relief.

I'm at a bit of a loss for words (stop laughing). I'm going between depressed and numb. I don't know why I expected to feel like a giant weight was lifted off my shoulders but it isn't.
Now...I think about stupid things like the hair cut I just got. It's shorter than I normally go and really edgy. I like it but I'm suddenly struck with a fear that I'm going to look like a man after my surgery.
Then there is my weight.  With Insulin Resistance it's always been a battle with my weight. Am I going to really hate how I look?

I know this is all normal pre-surgery stuff.  Doesn't make it any easier.

FORCE Memphis Scentsy Fundraiser

With the holidays coming up FORCE Memphis decided to join with a local Scentsy consultant to do a fundraiser.
So many people love Scentsy products as gifts around the holidays.  Now your purchase can go to an amazing cause.
Check out our fundraiser here:
https://catherinewiggins.scentsy.us/Scentsy/Buy?partyId=113601819
25% of the proceeds go to FORCE.
and don't forget to share with your friends.

A nifty icon addition for a good cause

Many people have noticed the pink and teal ribbon on my icons on Blogger, Facebook and Twitter.  You all know I'm a Coordinator for FORCE Memphis. So I figured I'd offer to add these adorable little pink and teal ribbons to you a small donation to FORCE.

For just $1 you can send me a picture and I'll add a ribbon to it.  You can donate through our FirstGiving page. Or email irener@facingourrisk.org for my Paypal email.

An Amazing FORCE Conference in Orlando

This past weekend Michelle and I were lucky enough to attend the 7th Annual FORCE Conference in Orlando, FL. I received a full scholarship to attend this weekend full of information, empowerment and bonding.

As a coordinator this experience has been invaluable to me. I gained so much knowledge that will not only help me but help my community as well.  I'm excited about the connections and friends I've made. I've come home with some great ideas on how to reach out to my local community.



FORCE is excited to announce our partnership with the Basser Cancer Center for BRCA at the Abramson Cancer Center of the University of Pennsylvania. 

If you are interested in donating to FORCE you can check out our online donations page or take a peak at our CafePress shop.

Our local interview is up!

 Michelle and I were interviewed for a piece on our local FORCE group. 

http://www.memphisdailynews.com/news/2012/oct/10/force-brings-cancer-previvors-together/

FORCE Memphis has a CafePress store

Our CafePress store is up.   http://www.cafepress.com/forcememphis All proceeds go to FORCE and helping us meet our fundraising goals.
Plus you get a nifty item that helps promote FORCE.

Make Custom Gifts at CafePress