Saturday, December 1, 2012
Coming to terms with my femininity
I've never considered myself a girly girl. I like pretty things and fashion as much as the next girl but I've always identified a bit more as a tomboy. Possibly because my lack of fear in some situations or because I don't mind getting my hands dirty.
With my Bi-lateral Mastectomy coming up in just over a month I've found myself suddenly much more interested in make-up and jewelry. I've even taken to wearing hats which I rarely do, not because I don't look good in them (I can rock hats) but more because I never took the time. I couldn't figure out why I suddenly had to be wearing lipstick every day, wearing jewelry, changing bracelets when before I was fine being minimal.
It hit me earlier this month when I cut my hair. I love the way it looks with side swept bangs but it was shorter than it has been in a while and I had a moment of terror. "Will I look like a boy when I don't have my breasts?" That was it, that was why I was suddenly so interested in all these other aspects of my femininity. I always like to be put together but it seems to have become more of an obsession lately.
Then I realized...the smallest I ever remember my breast being was a C cup, puberty hit me hard, I'm an I cup now. I have ALWAYS identified my femininity with my breasts. My breasts will keep me from looking boyish. My breasts fill out this shirt/dress. My breasts were what I felt "defined" me without a doubt as a woman. No matter how grungy I looked there wouldn't be a doubt about my gender because I had my breasts.
And now I am cutting them from my body. They have become (in a sense) the enemy.
As a side note I realize how lucky I am that I get to make this choice instead of being told I have cancer and having the choice made for me.
My brain is trying to protect me, trying to teach me that my femininity is NOT defined by my breasts. I can do other things to make myself feel feminine. It's difficult and I'm scared about how next year is going to pan out and how I'm going to feel about my changing body. I am learning how to feel feminine while disregarding my breasts. I hope coming to terms with this now will be helpful in my recovery.
I am getting reconstruction. Please understand that this blog entry is how I feel about my body and situation and may not be how everyone feels.