Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Further than I've gone before

My preventative bilateral mastectomy now has an official date. January 11, 2013. Less than 2 months away...
I honestly thought I'd feel better once I had a surgery date set. The last 2 times I tried to plan things happened and we never got this far (Ben getting laid off both times).  I have a date set, I know this is going to happen, but I don't feel any better. No sense of relief.

I'm at a bit of a loss for words (stop laughing). I'm going between depressed and numb. I don't know why I expected to feel like a giant weight was lifted off my shoulders but it isn't.
Now...I think about stupid things like the hair cut I just got. It's shorter than I normally go and really edgy. I like it but I'm suddenly struck with a fear that I'm going to look like a man after my surgery.
Then there is my weight.  With Insulin Resistance it's always been a battle with my weight. Am I going to really hate how I look?

I know this is all normal pre-surgery stuff.  Doesn't make it any easier.