Glove 3 of 10 is now done. It's kind of hard to see the cabling on the brown tweed. But fingerless gloves are perfect for flashing gang signs.

And for the record there is nothing in the corner of my eye...it just caught a shadow.

snuggles

I guess Aloysius knows I'm feeling down...because he decided to come and nuzzle me.
Forgive the bad skin, I've been stressed.

is adsense a scam?

I've just heard from several of my friends who have had their adsense accounts shut down once they've reached $100 (which is the amount at which you get issued a payment)

Now all the friends got similar emails...saying that they are "threats" to the advertisers. No other reason...no more information then that. And they state that they reserve the right to remove any accounts.

Seems a little shady to me. You would think they would like someone who turned other people on to adsense. It doesn't really cost google anything, and they get more adwords. Plus the advertisers get more traffic to their sites.

we'll see what happens with my adsense...if they'll shut it down right before they have to pay me.

It never rains...

mom told me she has the BRCA2 Mutation
I know she feels really bad because I have so much on my plate right now.
I told her I knew this was going to be the result and I'm pretty sure when I get tested for it I'll have the mutation as well. (Her birth mother died from Breast Cancer as well)

I have to contact both my Breast Specialist and my Reproductive Endocrinologist to let them know.
It's scary because now I'm a such a high risk for so many types of Cancer.

This is my chance to have a child...because most likely after 35 they'll want to remove my uterus and ovaries to prevent any cancer.

I just got another commission, and possibly a custom sale on Etsy.

One set of fingerless gloves is done.
Four more to go.

I am taking a break to make myself a new washcloth tonight. I'm averaging a glove a day, so I'm not too worried.
After that I have a hat, 2 pairs of fingerless/convertible mittens and another pair of fingerless gloves (if the etsy sale goes through)

so much knitting to do, but the extra money to put away towards IVF is good.

I was just thinking about how less then 5 months ago Ben and I had our forms in to adopt. We were set on adopting a foster child and were waiting to schedule a home study.
Then mom got Breast Cancer. Mom was 9 when her birth mother died from Breast Cancer, so it was that much more terrifying for her.
She had just decided to retire. That's when dad got sick...11 years ago...when he had retired. He died from Leukemia 9 months after he was diagnosed.

Mom was lucky, they caught it early and only needed to do a lumpectomy. I stayed with her for 2 weeks to help her out. She didn't lift, bend, pull, push or do much of anything. I know it was hard for her, but I made sure to do things before she tried or needed to ask.

She then had radiation. And she'll need to be taking pills for about 5 years. She still hates that she has to go to the Oncologist for the rest of her life, but she's happy to have a rest of her life.

So...
after all of this I came back home. Sat down with Ben...and said...I think maybe, just maybe I want to try for a baby.
Now previously we had been told that it wasn't really going to happen. I wish I could go back and kick that doctor in the nards.

While the journey has been rough, and we can only afford the once chance right now, we still have that chance.

I can't really describe what changed in my mind. But when it did it was all we could think about.
I guess the thought of losing my only living parent just set something off in my mind and body.

Lean mean knitting machine

the hat and mittens set is finished.
I bought the yarn for the 5 pairs of fingerless gloves. I'm going to run them by the buyer when I see her Wednesday. Until then I'm working on a shawl for my mother's holiday gift.

Once Tom gets back from his honeymoon he'll tell me which hat pattern he wants and then I can buy the yarn for that as well. Once all the gloves are done I can take some more commissions.

Oiy

We have one shot...
Our insurance has a $10,000 lifetime maximum for fertility treatment. That's the cost of one cycle.

We're going to work out cycle around going to Denver for Thanksgiving. So for the next 5 weeks I actually need to take birth control to moderate my hormones. After that I'll be giving myself shot everyday.
I'll be needing lots of blood work and ultra sounds.
And then we'll be doing the IVF and ICSI

They are going to implant 2 eggs. This gives us a higher chance for success (and a 20% chance of having twins). But we need to increase our chances since we only have one shot to do this.

I'm so overwhelmed. I've been crying since I got home.
If this fails we can't afford to try again.

(and the first person to do the "everything will be alright" will get a swift kick in the nards)

mitten 1

Mitten 1 is complete. It took a lot less time then I thought. It looks funny because it's for a 6 year old and my hand (while small) is a little larger.

YAY hat

Hat is done!

I'm such a ham. now onto the mittens.

so much knitting...

My mom called this morning with a big commission job for me. She wants 4 pairs of fingerless gloves. So now I have that on top of the hat and mittens set I'm working on. And the hat.

Plus I have a shawl and Christmas stocking I need to work on. Those I'm giving as gifts.

The hat is coming along nicely. I am almost finished with the body (I only started last night) and I have to add the ear flaps and pom poms.

Knitting around all the doctors appointments is challenging, but I'm happy to be making money.

Seeing the Reproductive Endocrinologist on Friday. Hoping to have the hat and mittens set done by the end of the weekend.

Is it Friday yet?

Monday and Wednesday I have my electro therapy.
Tuesday I actually have a bra fitting client.
and Friday....well..that's when we see the Reproductive Endocrinologist and find out where we go from here.
blah...it's just nerve racking. If we go straight for IVF I'll need to have shots every day and be monitored.
I'm still not sure what IVF entails...I'll have lots of questions for the doctor.

New Hats

some new hats are up on my etsy site.
Here is a preview.

foam head

my foam head came in...which means if the weather is nice tomorrow I'll be taking pictures of my hats and posting them on etsy.

hormone levels are still too low...
The doctor was going to start FSH shots...until she read Ben's morphology report. His sperm can't penetrate my eggs.

So next Friday we are going to the Reproductive Endocrinologist. We may just skip forward and do IVF where they inject the sperm right into my eggs.

I'm so drained. I just want to curl up and cry.

every sperm is sacred

Apparently Ben's sperm are all doing well except for in one area. They suck at armour piercing.

This means that only a low percentage of his sperm can actually penetrate an egg. (which is an important step in getting pregnant)
If IUI (Intra Uterine Insemination) doesn't work then they'll do IVF but inject the sperm directly into the egg.

At least the doctors all have a plan...and Ben doesn't need surgery.

The bee leg warmers are done.

Family Stuff

Tomorrow my sister in law Kassie finds out the sex of the baby. I'm so excited to be an Aunt. I've knitted so much stuff for the baby. Plus Ben and I will be going out to Denver for Thanksgiving, so it will be nice to spend a few days with my brother and Kassie.
Everyone keeps asking if I'm jealous or if it's hard for me.
I couldn't be happier for them. Kassie had 2 miscarriage and had to give herself shots every day to make sure that her hormones were under control.

In other good news my mother has finished her radiation and seems to be doing really well. Her skin is basically burned where she had the treatments. But the Breast Cancer is gone. We're so lucky they caught it early. Luckily she tested negative for the BRACA gene...which means I don't have it.
But since her birth mother died from Breast Cancer I am still high risk.

Still not looking forward to the mammogram next month.

PIE!!!

Today Ben and I went apple picking.
I love Empire Apples and you can't really find them in the store. I love apples...but these are the only ones I'll eat.
We got a 1/2 Bushel and a peck (please no one sing)

This is only my second attempt at an apple pie...and my first with the new crust recipe.

Here is the before picture...please forgive the crust mistakes.

and here it is after coming out of the oven


oh, and my first attempt at pie...the cat ate
seriously...

suggestions...

There is a craft studio by me looking for some new knitting instructors.
They already have the basic classes (hats, mittens, cables, beginners, sweater)...
not sure what I could teach. Intarsia is my bane, so I'd rather stay away from that.

It would be a really great way for me to bring in some extra cash, but I can't really think of anything.
I did think maybe making patterns in items...but I'm really only good at doing that with knitting and purling (again I am not very good with intarsia)

If I can come up with something I'll email them.

is it Thursday yet?

oh yeah...I can't wait. That's my next blood draw. I'm sure I'll have to wait until the week after to start anything (maybe they'll take pity on my uterus and start on Friday)

I'm nervous about taking Clomid...I've heard horror stories. I've also got to take the Ovidrel shots (which I have to give myself)
then there is the IUI (Intra Uterine Insemination)

this of course is only if my levels are high enough...if they aren't they give me something to force the levels. Which makes me a little nervous to go on Estrogen...

at least I have knitting and housework to keep me busy this weekend.

I'm very thankful that my friends think of me when it comes to knitting. My friend Tom wants me to make him a hat.
So after the leg warmers I have the hat to make and then the hat and mittens set.
Those are the ones I'm being paid for.

Then I need to knit my mom's Chanukah present and a Christmas stocking for my Mother In Law.

My foam head shipped today, so I'll be able to post some new items soon. Here is a preview of the hats to come...



I can't wait until I can show them on a head and not the ice bucket.

yay..more knitting

another friend gave me some commission work. She is also going to be buying 2 pieces I have listed on etsy.

Ben and I were working on maximizing the usage of adsense. We talked about which ad words are worth more. He says mesothelioma is worth a lot. We'll see. Also once our legal issues are done with I'm sure I'll be willing to talk about that.

I also added a search function...so please use that as well.

1 down 1 to go

finished the first leg warmer. I think I'll spend tomorrow finishing up my fishbowl hat before starting on the other leg warmer.

So here it is...with bonus Aloysius in the background.

dreaming

there are days when I'm reminded why I can't work a normal job.
The worst part is when I have dreams reminding me of that. But...the house is clean, the laundry is done, bills are paid.
I know I'm useful...I just wish I could feel that way. Bringing in money has always made me feel good. And on good days I wonder why I'm not working. Then I have a bad day and I can't function at all.

And starting next week on top of my PT I'll have a load of fertility treatments. No employer (even part time) wants to work around that.
I tell myself it's worth it. It is...

I decided to put adsense on this blog. We're really trying to save up for baby so every little bit helps.
I can't seem to find part time that works around all my blood draws, checkups and physical therapy. right now I'm trying to find craft and street fairs where I can sell my things.

Also hoping to ad new followers on my blog.

state of the uterus address

I have another blood draw this Thursday. There are 2 options depending on the results. Either way something will be done so I'm feeling a bit better about getting this show on the road.

If the estrogen levels are high enough: we start the Clomid and Ovidrel.
If the estrogen levels are still too low: they are going to force them.


Trying to sell more things and get more knitting commissions to put money in the baby account. There are going to be lots more copays coming up.

to Bee or not to Bee

So these are the leggings. I just started today. The picture doesn't do the yellow justice (probably because I just took them with my webcam)

Don't mind me looking sleepy in the background.

I'm getting used to these 12 inch circular needles. It was a bit strange knitting on them at first.

I hoping that my foam head comes in soon so I can put up some of my hats for sale.
I also bought 2 new knitting books today with baby/toddler patterns. There were a couple patterns that were too cute not to have. A couple of them are just for girls, but I'm sure I could make and sell them too.

commission work

Friday my friend tapped me to make her some bumblebee leg warmers for Halloween.
I've never done leg warmers before, but the pattern is really simple. (and it's just knitting in the round which I've done before)

I'll be posting some pictures as they progress.

no...hormone levels are still too low.
And I'm a mess right now.
I have to wait another 2 weeks and then have a blood draw again. At that point if my levels are still low they'll try and force them up.

I just want to curl up and cry now.

The waiting is the hardest part

I just finished the hat with attached scarf for my niece/nephew (not sure which one it is yet).
This matches the blanket I made. Both made with this gorgeous Peruvian wool with a touch of Donegal tweed. Since it's grey it's very unisex.

I already know which new project I'll be starting on tomorrow. It will be another baby hat (but this one will go on Etsy). I'm not putting up any of my hats until my Styrofoam head comes in. I'm wondering if I'll need to get a children's size head as well (since my Cabbage Patch Kid has an oddly shaped head for modeling stuff).

Tomorrow I have a blood draw. If my hormone levels are high enough they can start me on Provera (to induce my period) and then put me on Clomid (to induce ovulation) and then I'd be giving myself injections as well.
However if the levels are still too low then I just have to sit around and wait. That's the worst part. If I knew I was doing something I'd feel better.

Today I had physical therapy. They are trying electro therapy again...it feels strange. All of my muscles are tensing and releasing on their own. It's strange not to be able to control that. But if it helps my migraines I'll deal with it.