2 weeks to go

To say I'm nervous is an understatement. I've been a little OCD about everything.
I've decided that next year I want to go Steampunk.
I've also been making things:

A cape to wear after my surgery so it's easy to get on and off

 

Tablet cases, cause I can never have enough

Jewelry, because who doesn't need another hobby:

And bags, always bags:

Do guns = safety?

The internet is abuzz with news this morning of a shooting at a school in Connecticut.
As a mom with a child in school this is hard to read about. My heart goes out to everyone involved.

Then my feed started to show a new trend.  The "This is why I have a gun" trend.  Now I'm not anti-gun, I'm also not gung-ho pro-gun. I realize I live in the south and just about everyone has one (we will too when we have space for a gun cabinet to keep it safely locked up).

But do guns = safety? Or are they giving people a false sense of security?
Guns can be great for protection, hunting or even for sport. However even with a concealed carry permit there are places you can't take guns. You can't always have it with you.  And...sadly you can never tell how batshit crazy someone is.

One of the biggest things that scares me as a parent is thinking "what if my son had that mentality?" Can you imagine how a child would interpret "gun = safety" growing up? 

Having a gun doesn't suddenly mean you are "safe".  Often being too cocky about guns can lead to quite the opposite. Personally I would worry that someone with that mentality would pull a gun in a situation that didn't warrant it. Or that they would pull a gun and hurt someone else.

Be realistic about it. Know how to shoot the weapon and keep practicing. Just realize you can't take it everywhere (at least not legally) and thinking it automatically makes you safe is a fallacy.  I have found in my years of knowing gun owners that the most effective ones are the ones who don't announce it to the world.  They don't go around saying "I have a gun, I can protect myself." And if you think of it it's like the drunk guy in the bar yelling "I'm good at sex."  which usually indicates he doesn't know what the hell he is doing.

Having a gun can help keep you safe.  But it doesn't ensure your safety.
It's not that I'm freaked out by people having guns.  I'm concerned about the ones who think that having a gun means they are safe from these things.

Coming to terms with my femininity

I've never considered myself a girly girl.  I like pretty things and fashion as much as the next girl but I've always identified a bit more as a tomboy. Possibly because my lack of fear in some situations or because I don't mind getting my hands dirty.
With my Bi-lateral Mastectomy coming up in just over a month I've found myself suddenly much more interested in make-up and jewelry. I've even taken to wearing hats which I rarely do, not because I don't look good in them (I can rock hats) but more because I never took the time.  I couldn't figure out why I suddenly had to be wearing lipstick every day, wearing jewelry, changing bracelets when before I was fine being minimal.
It hit me earlier this month when I cut my hair. I love the way it looks with side swept bangs but it was shorter than it has been in a while and I had a moment of terror. "Will I look like a boy when I don't have my breasts?"  That was it, that was why I was suddenly so interested in all these other aspects of my femininity. I always like to be put together but it seems to have become more of an obsession lately.  
Then I realized...the smallest I ever remember my breast being was a C cup, puberty hit me hard, I'm an I cup now. I have ALWAYS identified my femininity with my breasts. My breasts will keep me from looking boyish.  My breasts fill out this shirt/dress. My breasts were what I felt "defined" me without a doubt as a woman.  No matter how grungy I looked there wouldn't be a doubt about my gender because I had my breasts.
And now I am cutting them from my body. They have become (in a sense) the enemy.
As a side note I realize how lucky I am that I get to make this choice instead of being told I have cancer and having the choice made for me. 
My brain is trying to protect me, trying to teach me that my femininity is NOT defined by my breasts.  I can do other things to make myself feel feminine.  It's difficult and I'm scared about how next year is going to pan out and how I'm going to feel about my changing body.  I am learning how to feel feminine while disregarding my breasts. I hope coming to terms with this now will be helpful in my recovery.



I am getting reconstruction.  Please understand that this blog entry is how I feel about my body and situation and may not be how everyone feels.