The big reveal

yes, finally it is time for the big before and after shots. These are the ones taken by my plastic surgeon. 
But before that let me just say how glad I am to have the PICC line out and how much more respect I have for people with ports/shunts. I know how hard to was for me emotionally and can't even imagine how someone with a life threatening illness would feel.

This thing went up my arm and emptied in to my heart

I knew I didn't want to have nipple reconstruction. For right now I've also opted to skip the nipple tattoos.  I did however get some great samples from Rub On Nipples that I am looking forward to trying. They were given to me because I have an adhesive allergy and they wanted to show me I wouldn't have a problem with these.

My right side is still a bit larger than my left but the swelling will go down over the next few months. It's not such a big difference that I couldn't live with it. My results have been really great. I am so thankful for Dr Cooper she has really done an amazing job.

Finally, my before and after picture after the jump.

Antibiotics and PICC Lines and Drains - OH MY!

I'm glad to say that my stitches have come out. I'll still have my drain and PICC line for another week though.

This is the lovely PICC line in my left arm

This week hasn't been without its own challenges. I ended up with an allergic reaction to my IV antibiotics. While it was nothing life threatening it certainly was upsetting. I ended up with a very nasty skin reaction on my inner/upper thigh area and on my outer vaginal lips.
My IV antibiotics have been switched and the cortisone cream/salve regimen I'm using is helping my skin heal.

My daily regimen

I've got another week on the antibiotics. It really sucks that I can't lift much while the PICC line is in.

So here it is, how everything looks now.
Picture after the jump.

Sometimes it all just goes wrong.

This past week has been hellish.
On Friday my Surgeon marked a red mark on my left breast. Saturday I spiked a fever and ended up in the hospital on IV antibiotics.
Sunday I had emergency surgery to remove the implant. Apparently not all of my Alloderm had taken during my exchange surgery.  Luckily the on call surgeon was able to remove all the offending tissue and place a new implant (I was terrified of waking up with 1 boob).

Did I mention this was Mother's Day this was all happening on? 
Yeah, it sucked. I was in the hospital until Wednesday. I went home with a Picc line placed in my left arm, stitches and a drain on my right.

Now I'm home and dosing myself twice daily with IV antibiotics.  My left breast is swollen and I am admittedly pretty depressed about the entire thing. Everything looked so great after my exchange and now I've got all sorts of things running in and out of my body.

My mom did come in Tuesday to help out because I can't lift much with the Picc line in. Plus my right side is super sore.

I do remind myself it could be worse, it isn't cancer. But complications like this still suck and they can be demoralizing.
Ben will help me get a picture over the weekend of my current state. I'm just too exhausted now.

4 days post exchange. The bruises are showing.

3 days after my last post and I'm even more bruised. This explains why I'm even more sore.
I know this is normal so I'm not worried about it. But I also know that some other people might get freaked out by bruises getting worse after surgery.

Picture after the jump

1 Day Post Exchange

I want to bust out my best Billy Crystal impersonation and say "they look mah-velous".
I'm sore, bruised and tired but my breasts look great.  I'm lucky that I had a wonderful surgeon. It's exciting to finally have my permanent implants in place.

Can't wait to rock some cute strapless tops this summer. I ended up with 1300cc saline implants.
Picture after the jump.

Going under the knife again

This Friday is my exchange surgery. I'm excited and nervous. 
My expanders will be taken out and swapped for my permanent implants. I'll also be having the "dog ears" liposucked out.
I can't wait to be rid of these rocks in my chest.

12 weeks and a top I never could have worn before

3 months after surgery and I'm still getting used to my body. My right expander still has a weird dent in it and probably will until my exchange surgery.
I have found that yoga has really helped me gain back my mobility. Losing weight is just an added bonus.

It's really hard to take a good picture of yourself

Another added bonus is that I can now wear tops I was never able to before because I no longer require a bra.
Case in point this awesome halter I made myself.

I'm learning to be more comfortable in my own skin, which is important when you feel like you had Betty Rubble and Wilma Flintstone's plastic surgeon.
Pictures and more after the jump

10 weeks and a surprising surge in energy.

My last fill was a month ago. I'm pretty happy with the size they currently are and don't plan to have any more fills.
For the past couple of weeks I've been doing yoga. Besides having really helped my flexibility I find in general I have more energy.
I spent so many years being in pain. My sciatica was pretty awful and exercising was difficult with my large chest and back pain. Since the surgery I haven't had lower back pain.
It really is amazing how not being in pain can change everything. I'm more active with more energy and I just generally feel better.
That being said I do miss sleeping in my own bed. I'd love to get a solid night if sleep but that is probably still a while off.
Pictures and more after the jump.

6 weeks and counting

It's been 6 weeks since my surgery. I've gone from 700ccs to 1200ccs in this time period.
There have been lots of emotional ups and downs. I am seeing who is really here for me. I'm very lucky to have so many people who have been an amazing support to me.

This weekend I made a big decision.
Story and pictures after the jump.

A few complications

I'm 5 weeks post op today. Last week my fill I ended up with a pinched nerve.
This week proved to be a little bit more complicated than that.
As you can see in my pictures I have an indentation on the side of my left breast. Apparently the suction from the drain caused an adhesion to form.
Since my scars healed well and I'm going through fills with no infection it would be silly to open me up to cut the adhesion. The occasion well either resolve itself because I massage it multiple times daily. Or when I have my exchange surgery later this year they will cut it.
However this causes a bigger problem for me. I am now filled to 1100 cc's. The expander now pushes on the adhesion on one side and on the nerve on the other. This causes me horrible pain every time I have a felt. Sadly it gets more painful with each fill because there's more pressure.
I have 4 more fills to go. I am hoping the adhesion resolves itself. I do understand that that would mean a great deal of pain as my flesh tears inside.
While adhesions are common after surgery my particular situation is not. I don't want this to freak anyone out. Normally fills would not be nearly this painful.While it would be an understatement to say this sucks I still don't regret my decision to have this surgery.
I've always had a very high pain tolerance. So Ben was pretty freaked out to hear me whimpering while I took a shower this afternoon. It isn't easy to be this uncomfortable and have it happen again each week. But I'm hanging in there. Four more fills to go and three months to let everything settle.
It still beats having cancer. I'm also lucky to have a great plastic surgeon who will actually explain to me why it would be a bad idea to have a surgery to remove the adhesion. Instead of just dismissing my worries.
This at least explains why my fills have been so much more debilitating for me than they should be. I will continue to work to soften the adhesion and do what I can to help my body heal. 

1 Month Later

Here I am. 1 month after my Prophylactic Bilateral Mastectomy. I admit that some days it still feels so surreal.  Healing is a hell of a journey but I have no regrets about my choice.

While I always knew I wanted to document my journey I never thought it would include pictures. Before my mastectomy I sat down with my mom and showed her pictures at different stages. She told me how thankful she was that she saw the different stages. Had she not see the after surgery images she would have walked out of my hospital room and had a melt down.

So I felt that sharing my pictures might help others going through their own journey.

My pictures and more information after the jump.

Coming to terms with my femininity

I've never considered myself a girly girl.  I like pretty things and fashion as much as the next girl but I've always identified a bit more as a tomboy. Possibly because my lack of fear in some situations or because I don't mind getting my hands dirty.
With my Bi-lateral Mastectomy coming up in just over a month I've found myself suddenly much more interested in make-up and jewelry. I've even taken to wearing hats which I rarely do, not because I don't look good in them (I can rock hats) but more because I never took the time.  I couldn't figure out why I suddenly had to be wearing lipstick every day, wearing jewelry, changing bracelets when before I was fine being minimal.
It hit me earlier this month when I cut my hair. I love the way it looks with side swept bangs but it was shorter than it has been in a while and I had a moment of terror. "Will I look like a boy when I don't have my breasts?"  That was it, that was why I was suddenly so interested in all these other aspects of my femininity. I always like to be put together but it seems to have become more of an obsession lately.  
Then I realized...the smallest I ever remember my breast being was a C cup, puberty hit me hard, I'm an I cup now. I have ALWAYS identified my femininity with my breasts. My breasts will keep me from looking boyish.  My breasts fill out this shirt/dress. My breasts were what I felt "defined" me without a doubt as a woman.  No matter how grungy I looked there wouldn't be a doubt about my gender because I had my breasts.
And now I am cutting them from my body. They have become (in a sense) the enemy.
As a side note I realize how lucky I am that I get to make this choice instead of being told I have cancer and having the choice made for me. 
My brain is trying to protect me, trying to teach me that my femininity is NOT defined by my breasts.  I can do other things to make myself feel feminine.  It's difficult and I'm scared about how next year is going to pan out and how I'm going to feel about my changing body.  I am learning how to feel feminine while disregarding my breasts. I hope coming to terms with this now will be helpful in my recovery.



I am getting reconstruction.  Please understand that this blog entry is how I feel about my body and situation and may not be how everyone feels.

Further than I've gone before

My preventative bilateral mastectomy now has an official date. January 11, 2013. Less than 2 months away...
I honestly thought I'd feel better once I had a surgery date set. The last 2 times I tried to plan things happened and we never got this far (Ben getting laid off both times).  I have a date set, I know this is going to happen, but I don't feel any better. No sense of relief.

I'm at a bit of a loss for words (stop laughing). I'm going between depressed and numb. I don't know why I expected to feel like a giant weight was lifted off my shoulders but it isn't.
Now...I think about stupid things like the hair cut I just got. It's shorter than I normally go and really edgy. I like it but I'm suddenly struck with a fear that I'm going to look like a man after my surgery.
Then there is my weight.  With Insulin Resistance it's always been a battle with my weight. Am I going to really hate how I look?

I know this is all normal pre-surgery stuff.  Doesn't make it any easier.

FORCE Memphis has a CafePress store

Our CafePress store is up.   http://www.cafepress.com/forcememphis All proceeds go to FORCE and helping us meet our fundraising goals.
Plus you get a nifty item that helps promote FORCE.

Make Custom Gifts at CafePress

Only on Facebook is Breast Cancer Awareness a secret.

Most of my friends know well enough that I'm a big advocate for Breast Cancer awareness.  My friend Michelle and I found the Memphis FORCE group.
Awareness:the state or ability to perceive, to feel, or to be conscious of events, objects, or sensory patterns. So you have to understand my frustration when I wake up to this in my Facebook messages:
"Hi Beautiful Lady...Without replying to this message, put a heart on
your wall; no comment,
just a heart. Next, post a heart on the wall of the person
who sent you this message. Then send this message to your

women friends, only women. If anyone asks you why you have so
many hearts on your wall, don't tell them. This is only for women,
because this is breast cancer research week. One small act of
solidarity between women. PS to type a heart, first type < then 3.
It will turn into a heart as soon as you post it."

Ugh.  Just Ugh.  Sometimes there aren't so many words that describe the stupidity of this.  So here we go with a little list.

1: Are people still do daft as to think that men can't get Breast Cancer?  

2: How does this raise awareness or help research if you're NOT supposed to tell anyone.  Because the opposite of awareness is ignorance.

3: Even if men are less likely to get Breast Cancer they are still part of our support system. They are fathers, husbands, brothers, uncles, cousins, friends. Men donate to research as well. 

4: Women who have had Breast Cancer or are predisposed to it (like myself) don't find this solidarity.  We find this insulting and lazy because you can't be bothered to do more than post a heart. It isn't a secret to us. It shouldn't be to you.

5: I still can't wrap my hands around how this is solidarity and how this helps anyone. 

so...

If you see a heart on Facebook I encourage you to do what I plan to do and post " BREAST CANCER AWARENESS IS NOT A SECRET"

And, if you are looking to do something that makes a difference consider making a small donation to the Memphis FORCE group.  But please, don't post a heart thinking you are showing any solidarity.

You're having a mastectomy for attention!

Yes, that sentence has been said to me several times. The worst part is that it has been said by close family members.
We talk about how important the support of our friends an family can be. But what about when we don't get the support from the people we feel we need it from most.

This is where I am right now. Wednesday I see my plastic surgeon. I'm hoping to be able to finally set a date for my surgery. The truth is...I'm scared. I'm not going to change my mind, but I'm scared. 
It makes me miss my father. He would have told me scientifically why having my bilateral mastectomy made sense. But other than my mom my family doesn't talk about this.

When Ben and I first got married they found an enlarged lymph node. They thought I had Lymphoma and I had surgery (it turned out to be nothing).  My brother never called to see how I was. We've always had a strained relationship, but 3.5 years ago my brother cut me off completely from his life. I'll probably never get to know my niece and nephew and Garrett will never know his cousins.  I've never publicly spoken about this but with my surgery getting so close it's been on my mind. 
The worst part for me right now is thinking that my brother wouldn't care if I died.  I'm hurting. I need the support of my family but so many of them have made it clear that they think my surgery is a ploy for attention. I just need my big brother right now.

Maybe I just don't want to feel so alone.  The saddest part is that I know this won't be met with the support I need, but rather anger for putting my words out there.
I'm just scared.

Almost to our goal.

My FORCE Fundraising page went up a week ago and already I've reached 84% of my goal.  I am so inspired by the generosity of my friends and family in helping me get a FORCE chapter started in Memphis.

Michelle and I are so excited to get this chapter going.

fundraising for FORCE Memphis

Those who have been reading my blog are aware that I have the BRCA2 mutation. They also know I've been working with Michelle over at http://tatatothegirls.blogspot.com/ to start a Memphis chapter for FORCE- Facing Our Risk Of Cancer Empowered


http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/irenerodda/ireneroddasfundraisingpage
We need to start off by raising some funds for our chapter. I hope you will help or at least share this message. FORCE offers amazing resources and support for women and men who are at risk for breast cancer. 

This is a cause close to my heart. My mother had breast cancer in 2008 and her birth mother died from breast cancer in 1954. I want to make sure I am here for Garrett and able to watch him grow up. Knowing my resources has helped me feel confident that I will have many years with my son.
Being aware and having the knowledge to help with early detection (and in some cases prevention) is important. Please help us share this knowledge and support with others in Memphis.

Check out my guest post

Since we just found out that we don't have to pack anything (the moving company does it all for us) I thought it might be a good idea to write a guest post.

I'm guest posting over at The Angel Forever talking a little but about my BRCA 2 mutation.
Go check it out.

Breast Cancer Awareness is so much more than a Facebook Status

This morning my husband's cousin sent me (and 67) of her closest female friends a message on Facebook stating that there was a new Breast Cancer awareness meme going around. 
I'm all for Breast Cancer awareness, as someone with the BRCA 2 mutation I have an 84% chance of developing Breast Cancer by the time I'm 70.  However the message I got made me want to burn my bra. Women are supposed to put the number of their shoe size, followed by the word inches and a frowny face.  Truthfully I was about to roll my eyes and ignore it until I saw the next part "don't tell the men", yeah, I have some big issues with this practice.


1: Saying you are raising awareness by NOT ACTUALLY saying anything about Breast Cancer isn't raising awareness. Especially when you leave out a key section of the population.  Despite what people think men can get Breast Cancer, they also have mothers, daughters, sisters and friends who are affected by breast cancer.  Men shouldn't be kept in the dark about breast cancer anymore than women should be kept in the dark about testicular cancer. Awareness leads to support.

2: Why does it have to be something sexual.  My shoe size is 7, so my post would be "7 inches :(" 
Even Ben said that comes off as a little insulting of your significant other. My bigger issue is how often we sexual breasts.  Don't get me wrong, Ben is a breast man, but it's still hard when thinking about the mastectomy I plan to have. They are part of our bodies and there are many women (my mother's birth mother) who would rather ignore the problem instead of lose their breasts.  Breast Cancer is NOT sexual and shouldn't be made in to something sexual.

3: what the hell does your shoe size have to do with cancer?  How does writing that help with awareness? I hate the false sense that people are helping when they could have easily done so much more.  Post information on where to get more information about Breast Cancer and where you can donate either money or even time helping people out.  When was their last breast exam? Wouldn't it be better to let people know the importance of getting checked early.

4: Early detection is key for treating any type of cancer. Support of friends and family is so important to those battling cancer.  So why would you make a post that excludes so many people from being able to properly get information?

Cancer awareness is of any type is important. I hope everyone will retweet, reblog and generally share this message with everyone they know and love.
If you want to raise Breast Cancer Awareness here are some sites to check out:
Susan G Komen for the Cure
Breast Cancer.org
National Breast Cancer Foundation
    
For more information on the BRCA 1 and 2 mutation check out:
Bright Pink
Facing Our Risk of Cancer Empowered (FORCE)