6 weeks and counting

It's been 6 weeks since my surgery. I've gone from 700ccs to 1200ccs in this time period.
There have been lots of emotional ups and downs. I am seeing who is really here for me. I'm very lucky to have so many people who have been an amazing support to me.

This weekend I made a big decision.
Story and pictures after the jump.

A few complications

I'm 5 weeks post op today. Last week my fill I ended up with a pinched nerve.
This week proved to be a little bit more complicated than that.
As you can see in my pictures I have an indentation on the side of my left breast. Apparently the suction from the drain caused an adhesion to form.
Since my scars healed well and I'm going through fills with no infection it would be silly to open me up to cut the adhesion. The occasion well either resolve itself because I massage it multiple times daily. Or when I have my exchange surgery later this year they will cut it.
However this causes a bigger problem for me. I am now filled to 1100 cc's. The expander now pushes on the adhesion on one side and on the nerve on the other. This causes me horrible pain every time I have a felt. Sadly it gets more painful with each fill because there's more pressure.
I have 4 more fills to go. I am hoping the adhesion resolves itself. I do understand that that would mean a great deal of pain as my flesh tears inside.
While adhesions are common after surgery my particular situation is not. I don't want this to freak anyone out. Normally fills would not be nearly this painful.While it would be an understatement to say this sucks I still don't regret my decision to have this surgery.
I've always had a very high pain tolerance. So Ben was pretty freaked out to hear me whimpering while I took a shower this afternoon. It isn't easy to be this uncomfortable and have it happen again each week. But I'm hanging in there. Four more fills to go and three months to let everything settle.
It still beats having cancer. I'm also lucky to have a great plastic surgeon who will actually explain to me why it would be a bad idea to have a surgery to remove the adhesion. Instead of just dismissing my worries.
This at least explains why my fills have been so much more debilitating for me than they should be. I will continue to work to soften the adhesion and do what I can to help my body heal. 

1 Month Later

Here I am. 1 month after my Prophylactic Bilateral Mastectomy. I admit that some days it still feels so surreal.  Healing is a hell of a journey but I have no regrets about my choice.

While I always knew I wanted to document my journey I never thought it would include pictures. Before my mastectomy I sat down with my mom and showed her pictures at different stages. She told me how thankful she was that she saw the different stages. Had she not see the after surgery images she would have walked out of my hospital room and had a melt down.

So I felt that sharing my pictures might help others going through their own journey.

My pictures and more information after the jump.

Just an update that I got through surgery alright and I'm currently recovering.
I will be posting more once it is easier for me to use a laptop.

2 weeks to go

To say I'm nervous is an understatement. I've been a little OCD about everything.
I've decided that next year I want to go Steampunk.
I've also been making things:

A cape to wear after my surgery so it's easy to get on and off

 

Tablet cases, cause I can never have enough

Jewelry, because who doesn't need another hobby:

And bags, always bags:

Do guns = safety?

The internet is abuzz with news this morning of a shooting at a school in Connecticut.
As a mom with a child in school this is hard to read about. My heart goes out to everyone involved.

Then my feed started to show a new trend.  The "This is why I have a gun" trend.  Now I'm not anti-gun, I'm also not gung-ho pro-gun. I realize I live in the south and just about everyone has one (we will too when we have space for a gun cabinet to keep it safely locked up).

But do guns = safety? Or are they giving people a false sense of security?
Guns can be great for protection, hunting or even for sport. However even with a concealed carry permit there are places you can't take guns. You can't always have it with you.  And...sadly you can never tell how batshit crazy someone is.

One of the biggest things that scares me as a parent is thinking "what if my son had that mentality?" Can you imagine how a child would interpret "gun = safety" growing up? 

Having a gun doesn't suddenly mean you are "safe".  Often being too cocky about guns can lead to quite the opposite. Personally I would worry that someone with that mentality would pull a gun in a situation that didn't warrant it. Or that they would pull a gun and hurt someone else.

Be realistic about it. Know how to shoot the weapon and keep practicing. Just realize you can't take it everywhere (at least not legally) and thinking it automatically makes you safe is a fallacy.  I have found in my years of knowing gun owners that the most effective ones are the ones who don't announce it to the world.  They don't go around saying "I have a gun, I can protect myself." And if you think of it it's like the drunk guy in the bar yelling "I'm good at sex."  which usually indicates he doesn't know what the hell he is doing.

Having a gun can help keep you safe.  But it doesn't ensure your safety.
It's not that I'm freaked out by people having guns.  I'm concerned about the ones who think that having a gun means they are safe from these things.

Coming to terms with my femininity

I've never considered myself a girly girl.  I like pretty things and fashion as much as the next girl but I've always identified a bit more as a tomboy. Possibly because my lack of fear in some situations or because I don't mind getting my hands dirty.
With my Bi-lateral Mastectomy coming up in just over a month I've found myself suddenly much more interested in make-up and jewelry. I've even taken to wearing hats which I rarely do, not because I don't look good in them (I can rock hats) but more because I never took the time.  I couldn't figure out why I suddenly had to be wearing lipstick every day, wearing jewelry, changing bracelets when before I was fine being minimal.
It hit me earlier this month when I cut my hair. I love the way it looks with side swept bangs but it was shorter than it has been in a while and I had a moment of terror. "Will I look like a boy when I don't have my breasts?"  That was it, that was why I was suddenly so interested in all these other aspects of my femininity. I always like to be put together but it seems to have become more of an obsession lately.  
Then I realized...the smallest I ever remember my breast being was a C cup, puberty hit me hard, I'm an I cup now. I have ALWAYS identified my femininity with my breasts. My breasts will keep me from looking boyish.  My breasts fill out this shirt/dress. My breasts were what I felt "defined" me without a doubt as a woman.  No matter how grungy I looked there wouldn't be a doubt about my gender because I had my breasts.
And now I am cutting them from my body. They have become (in a sense) the enemy.
As a side note I realize how lucky I am that I get to make this choice instead of being told I have cancer and having the choice made for me. 
My brain is trying to protect me, trying to teach me that my femininity is NOT defined by my breasts.  I can do other things to make myself feel feminine.  It's difficult and I'm scared about how next year is going to pan out and how I'm going to feel about my changing body.  I am learning how to feel feminine while disregarding my breasts. I hope coming to terms with this now will be helpful in my recovery.



I am getting reconstruction.  Please understand that this blog entry is how I feel about my body and situation and may not be how everyone feels.